28 01, 2014

Sleep Training Series Part 2: Understanding Crying

January 28th, 2014|Categories: Baby Sleep, Sleep Training|Tags: , , , , |

Welcome to Part Two in our Sleep Training series. If you haven’t already done so, please read part one as it contains very important steps that you will want to implement before sleep training.

Baby Sleep Training and Crying: An Emotion to Be Supported

Many times parents come to me, at their end of their rope. They are beyond tired, frustrated, constantly arguing with their spouse and impatient with their children.

They know that their lack of sleep isn’t letting them be the best parent they could be, but they have put off any sleep training because they are worried their child will cry.

Sometimes this can translate in a parent’s mind that their child will feel abandoned or scared. But crying doesn’t necessarily mean lonely or fear, it can also mean they are angry and exhausted. It’s important to have the appropriate response to each circumstance.

If your family is so exhausted that you can’t even function, then you need to make changes.

We do need to be realistic though; you are changing the way they have fallen asleep for months or years. Adults rarely joyfully embrace change, so why would we expect our little ones to?

In general your child isn’t going to be happy about it, especially when they’re tired. But I don’t want you to be scared of their emotions. Protesting, being frustrated, voicing complaints is normal.

Supporting it, without suppressing it, is healthy.

We want to show our children that we are there for them, that they can express themselves and we are there to support them through their learning.

Cry Me A River

So this is the big issue that makes sleep training so hard for all of us.

Everyone wants to know: How-Much-Will-My-Child-Cry?

If you’re wondering why I’m not saying “if your child will cry”, it’s because, in the vast majority of cases, a child cries at some point during sleep training. Of course, there are some children who don’t cry at all, or only fuss, but they are in the minority.

It would be great if I could promise you no tears in every situation, but that’s just not realistic. Saying that there is a sure fire ‘no-cry’ sleep training method is misleading.

Crying When Tired

Let’s think about the crying a child does during sleep training from another perspective.

Let’s say you are in a foreign country and everyone speaks a different language. You have no idea what they’re saying, but you do know that they’re saying something. Would you just assume the worst and fear they are plotting your demise?

Hopefully not.

You would probably use the context of the situation, their facial expressions, body language, your location and other factors to make a reasonable judgment call in regards to what they’re trying to communicate to you.

The goes for your child when he or she is crying. You need to use the context of the situation and make the appropriate call as to what they’re saying.

If they have a sleep debt from being massively overtired, and you are not longer rocking/holding/bouncing/feeding to sleep/replacing the soother a million times a night/driving all over town and trying to avoid red lights (think the movie Speed), then it’s reasonable to assume that they are crying because they’re frustrated. I often joke with my parents and say they are likely swearing at you in baby language. 😉

Sleep Training Does Not Equal Bad Parenting

You are not a bad parent for deciding it’s time to help your child learn healthy sleep strategies.

Every family is different and whether you want to start before any bad habit emerge or your ‘tools’  have stopped working, when you feel it’s time to change the situation, do it with confidence. Confidence in both your child and yourself.

You are not making your child cry, you are allowing them to express themselves.

You are helping them to learn a new skill that will benefit them for the rest of their lives.

You are being empathetic and understanding that they are frustrated, tired and just want to sleep, while giving them time and opportunity to practice these new skills.

You trust and believe in your child that they can learn new habits.

Sleep is one of the fundamental building blocks of human health. Not being well-rested is unhealthy for both your child and yourself.

Crying does not lead to health issues, but sleep deprivation does.

When you remove the sleep props or sleep associations that your child relied on to fall asleep, they will understandably be upset. But by setting up a great sleep routine, making sure your child is napping well, and keeping bedtime early, you will help to miminze the amout of frustration crying that your child does. 

Worries, And Fears and Tears, Oh My!

But of course, everyone worries. I understand because I too, was also concerned when I first contemplated sleep training.

I had read every sleep training-shaming, mom-scaring, studies-out-of-context-taking, article out there. I thought I was a bad mom for not being able to handle the sleep deprivation. And so for a long time, I allowed my fear to override logic and health needs.

Fear can stop us in our tracks before we can even take a step forward. Our brains go into overdrive and imagine worse-case scenarios.  But it’s important to not deny your child quality sleep and therefore optimal health, because of what may happen. Often, parents’ worries far exceeds the reality and a child doesn’t cry for as long or as hard as they thought.

It may ease your mind to know, as it did mine, that all the research shows that sleep training is safe and effective.

It is not child abuse, it’s not selfish and it does not lead to any long term (or short term) damage. (However, chronic sleep deprivation does.)

Want to help your baby sleep better at night, while minimizing crying? Download this FREE sleep guide. 

But what parent loves to hear their child cry? None of us. However, crying happens. Along with diaper blow outs and gross-smelling spit ups. It is unrealistic, not to mention extremely stressful, to entertain the idea of never allowing your baby to cry.

Crying, especially when overtired is an emotion and a need for sleep.

And remember, you will minimize the amount of crying by following a great sleep routine before sleep training.

But Really, How Much Crying Will There Be?

So back to the main question-how long will the crying last? We’ve heard it before, but it needs to be said again: every child is different.  There are many factors that influence how long a method starts to work such as:

  • age
  • method
  • personality
  • consistency of parent implementation
  • quality of day routine
  • sleep debt amount
  • how many attempts at sleep training were previously tried

These factors will all influence how long they sleep training will take, which makes it difficult to provide exact answers on the time a child takes to learn new sleep habits.

I can however, offer you an estimate of how long each method takes to start seeing change and we will look at those in the future posts of this series. You can begin with Part Three: No-Cry Sleep Training.

Changing sleep habits is hard work, especially in the beginning, but when it’s time for you to make that change, know that your child is very capable of learning how to sleep more solidly on their own.

Want more tips to help your baby sleep better? Download the FREE  guide; Sleeping Through The Night, 5 Tips Every Parent Needs to Know.

 Ready to get started on helping your family have healthy, restorative sleep now? Please see our consultation page to select your package.
9 04, 2013

Overtiredness- The Root of All Sleep Training Evil

April 9th, 2013|Categories: Baby Sleep, Sleep Training, Toddler Sleep|Tags: |

Overtiredness: extremely tired, but not able to sleep.

As a certified sleep consultant, I work with a lot of tired families. Although each family is unique, there are often elements that are common between them.

One prevailing issue with parents, is the misunderstanding of how being overtired effects their child. When parents come to me, they often say that they’ve tried a certain sleep training method and it didn’t work. But if their child is constantly being kept up too late or skipping naps, then the child never gets caught up on sleep.

Sleep training doesn’t work on chronically overtired children.

It doesn’t matter how great the child is at self-soothing. If they’re always overtired, they are going to continually have sleep problems.

When a child is overtired, they enter into a state of sleep deprivation and although that may sound extreme, it really is the truth. The words ‘sleep deprived’ conjures up images of someone barely able to function, zombie-like and listless, but this usually doesn’t match up with the parent’s reality so they have a hard time believing that their child is very tired.

Often overtired children can behave just the opposite;  instead of being sleepy, they’re overactive, hyper or slaphappy- because their bodies are running on adrenaline. Parents will try to put their children down for naps or bedtime and the child will often have a hard time settling, leading parents to believe that he or she really isn’t tired, when nothing could be further from the truth.

Overtired Culture+Overtired Parents=Exhausted Children

We live in a society where our culture encourages people to go with little sleep and it is very challenging for parents to fully appreciate the truly detrimental side effects that chronic sleep deprivation can have on babies and children. Adults can get by on little sleep (or so we think), but our children are much more sensitive to being tired and it always manifests itself in other areas.

So let me break it down for you…

When I say overtiredness is the root of all evil, I really mean it. Overtiredness causes the following disturbances in children:

  • frequent night wakings
  • early wake ups
  • short or broken naps
  • resisting naps (excessive crying or extreme giddiness)
  • night terrors
  • bedtime battles

behavioural issues such as

  • meltdowns
  • clingy and/or unable to play independently
  • defiant
  • temper tantrums
  • crankiness
  • refusal to eat
  • hyperactivity

In addition to not understanding the effects of sleep deprivation, most parents also have a very tough time understanding how long it takes to undo those effects. (hint-a long time! 😉 )

How Long to Undo the Damage?

When a child has been missing his or her required amount of sleep for several days, weeks or months, this missing sleep takes its toll on their body and produces a ‘sleep debt’. This is similar to what we experience when we are financially in debt. A healthy bank account is similar to a healthy body-you want to have a surplus.

When a child is sleep deprived, you can imagine that their body is like us being $10,000 in debt. You need to work at depositing at least $10,000 back into the account just to break even. For most of us, this takes some time and doesn’t happen overnight.

The time it takes you to work and put that money in, is similar to the time you have to invest of getting rid of the overtiredness. This is why sleep training, or getting a child on a healthy sleep routine, takes so long and why people often give up.

We have all seen the books that promise miracles with our children’s sleep in only a few days and when it doesn’t happen, we get disillusioned.  However, if you understand the process and know that each day you get your child to bed a bit earlier, or have better naps, you are slowly chipping away at that sleep debt, then you will be more likely to stick it out and see success .

Overtiredness; You’re Not Done Yet!

Once you have caught your child up on sleep, keep in mind that you are only “breaking even”. That child, much like your bank account, is only at zero. You must then continue to work at getting extra money or sleep to be in a healthy state or surplus. Depending on how long your child has been overtired, will determine how long it will take to get them caught up and then become well rested (their body’s version of having a financial surplus).

Here’s the Great News….

Yes, this takes time, but if you are consistent, then you will start to see some changes quickly.

When you really focus on fixing your child’s sleep issues, you might feel like you’re stuck at home for several weeks. And you’re right-you are. (#sorrynotsorry) Like anything in life-nothing worth having, comes easy.

Keep focused on the big payoff at the end-sleep!

All the hard work will be well worth it when you have a well rested, happy, content child who sleeps through the night.

Life becomes so much easier, calmer and more stress free when everyone is getting the sleep they need.

If you want more help getting on the right track;

2 09, 2012

Baby Sleep 101

September 2nd, 2012|Categories: Baby Sleep, Sleep Help, Toddler Sleep, Where to Begin|Tags: , , , , , , |

Baby Sleep 101-Where to Start When You’re Overwhelmed

So seeing as this website and blog is all about children and their sleep, I figured it’s best to start at the beginning when talking about sleep. 😉 This is “Baby Sleep 101”; giving you the foundations of healthy sleep for your child.

If your child isn’t sleeping, it means YOU aren’t sleeping. You’re tired. They’re tired. So how do you go about solving your child’s sleep issues?

“Let’s start at the very beginning
A very good place to start
When you read you begin with A-B-C
When you sing you begin with do-re-mi ”

-Do-Re-Mi from the Sound of Music

The Fundamentals

You first need to know the basics of healthy sleep habits.  It doesn’t matter how old your child is-they need sleep. But they do have different requirements in terms of how much and when. If you want more detailed information per month, check out our sleep tips by age breakdown on our resource page.

The fundamentals of healthy sleep can be narrowed down to 6 key elements.

  • Age appropriate wake times
  • Consistent wind down routine
  • Consistent nap schedule
  • Consistent sleeping location
  • Self soothing skills
  • Age appropriate bedtime

If you’re having sleep troubles with your baby, it is very likely that one or more of these key elements are missing.   You may think that everything is in place, but chances are, something isn’t. It really helps to keep track of your child’s routine because we can forget small details from day-to-day, especially when we’re living on limited sleep. So, start by taking notes of your baby’s routine for 3 days and then look back to see where problems are arising.

Look at the Info to Decide What Needs to Change

Age Appropriate Wake Times

Is your baby sometimes up for 3 hours in the morning and other times only for 1.5 hours? Is your 2 year old napping at 12pm on weekends, and 2pm on the week days?Then you need to fix their wake times and nap routine. If you’re not sure how or where, then err on the side of caution and keep wake times on the shorter side.

In general, babies who are on 2 or 3 nap routines need a shorter morning wake period, often around 2 hours and then a slightly longer wake period later on.

Toddlers and preschoolers doing one nap a day, may have their nap mid day, or even a longer morning period and a shorter afternoon wake period.

Consistent Wind Down Routines

One of the basics of  baby sleep 101 is to have a wind down routine for your child. Look at how you prepare your child for naps and bedtime-is there a consistent wind down routine that signals them that it’s time to sleep? If not, then they may be too overstimulated to settle down and fall asleep. Keep the wind down routine calm, simple and soothing.

Nap Routines

If you are frequently on the go and your baby is taking many naps in the car, then you need to adjust that as best as you can. Of course there are going to be naps here and there in the car seat or stroller, but overall we need to make sure that the majority of naps and bedtime are in the same, consistent location.

The most restorative kind of  sleep is non moving and lying down on a flat surface. Non moving means non moving so remember to switch off those vibrating bassinets too. 🙂

Children crave routine and their bodies respond wonderfully to it. Not only does it benefit them to have most naps motionless, doing them about the same time each day also helps.

Falling Asleep Unassisted

Another important component to healthy sleep is the ability to fall asleep independently. (Please note, I’m not talking about newborns here-falling asleep unassisted is a learnt skill and I don’t advocate formal sleep training until at least 4 months of age, so please keep your expectations realistic.) If your baby only naps for 45 minutes and then wakes but is tired and wanting more sleep, it could be time for them to start learning self soothing skills.  The same idea applies to the 3 year old that keeps coming into your room during the middle of the night or needs you to stay with them until they are completely asleep.

There are many different ways to accomplish this, from gradual to more direct. I cover all the options in the  Sleep Training Series.

It’s All About the Bedtime

How about bedtime? If bedtime fluctuates anywhere from 7 to 10 pm, then your baby is likely going to bed too late (most do best with a bedtime between 6-8pm) and becoming over tired which leads to resisting bedtime, increased night wakings and early risings (5:30am or earlier).

Keep your child’s bedtime age appropriate and understand that crankiness/fussing/getting hyper/crying can all be signs that they are tired and need more sleep, regardless of the age.

Not sure when to put your little one to sleep?

Use this as a rough guideline;

0-3 Months 1-2 hours after last nap

3-6 Months 2-2.5 hours after last nap

6-9 Months 2.5-3.5 hours after last nap

9-12 Months 3.5-4 hours after last nap

Moving bedtime up earlier for a few days can help to reverse the symptoms of cumulative sleep loss. Moving bedtime up for a few months will keep them from falling into a sleep debt again.

Consistency Matters-Consistently!

Consistency is also extremely important. I can’t stress this enough! You may  have all of the key elements in place, but only on the weekends. This isn’t consistent. Consistency means day in and day out. It may be boring, but it sure is restful. 😉

Babies don’t need a lot of variety-they actually crave consistency and it’s up to us as parents and caregivers to provide it for them when talking about sleep. Consistency in routine and sleep times lead to healthy sleep. We wouldn’t deprive our children of quality food because we know that good nutrition is a building block for healthy growth and development. So we need to also be just as mindful to the kind of sleep we provide.

Fix What’s Broke

Once you know where the problems are stemming from, it’s time to make a plan and take action. This can be where the really hard work starts (but I know you can do it!).

It’s one thing to be tired and up with your child frequently through the night, but it’s quite another to make a plan and stick to it night after night and not go back to what you were doing before.

Let’s say you were rocking your child every few hours at night. Yes, you were up, but chances are, both of you were at least falling back asleep relatively quickly. But if you are now trying to sleep train and not rock, then your child will probably be up for much longer stretches of time as they learn a new way of falling asleep.

And they likely won’t be happy about it.

Neither will you or anyone in your house.

This can make it verrrrrrrrry tempting to just give in and end everyone’s misery. But, you need to think about life long term. How long are you prepared to keep getting up and rocking? We know that bad sleep habits don’t go away by themselves.

How long do you want to suffer with the consequences of sleep deprivation? How long do you want your child to? Only you can answer this, but it is an important factor to consider. We know that sleep loss effects us immediately, but we also know that changing sleep habits take commitment and follow though. It has to be the right time for you to take action.

If you can commit to at least 2 CONSISTENT (imagine blinking lights around this word for extra emphasis 😉 ) weeks of change, you will see results. Two weeks isn’t that long if you compare it to months or years of poor sleep.

When we’re tired it can be hard to see our issues objectively, sort out the priorities and take action. Sometimes you just need someone else to give you the tools so you can concentrate on the work. 🙂

If you’ve tried the above tips and haven’t seen success or are feeling overwhelmed with sleep issues, please consider a sleep consultation . Baby Sleep 101 offers a variety of affordable packages that provide varying levels of support. There is also the Facebook page and the weekly Q and A sessions where I can answer questions live, and you can also find many great resources on the Pinterest Page and follow me on Twitter.

Here’s to you and your child’s sleep!